A lot of philosophy and ideas are built on the concept of forgiveness. A person who can “forgive and forget” is considered more spiritually advanced than one who “cannot forgive”, and “ability to forgive” is considered a sign of development and weak aggressiveness (sensitivity, irritability). At the same time, as in the situation with many other terms, “forgiveness” is an infinitely vague concept and different people will give it a different definition.
Here is the same situation as with the letter combination “g o d”. No one tries to define what “forgive” is, giving a definition by pointing to a specific set of perceptions. Everyone by this word means something different. People love such rotten pseudo-paradoxes, which arise when they compare phrases about “forgiveness” expressed by people who clearly understand completely different sets of perceptions as forgiveness, after which profound sighs are made, followed by a verbiage on the topic “oh, how deep is forgiveness, how multifaceted it is, how incomprehensible. ”
The most common descriptions of what people understand by the word “forgive” –
Stop being angry with another person for what he did (and since it is unrealistic without experience and practice, it is supposed to pretend that it is no longer angry or switch to something else)
Stop considering what the other person did, unpleasant, undesirable (that is, stupid yourself and tell yourself that this is normal – so treat you)
To release someone from the consequences of the committed action (confirming that it is normal to treat you like this).
The whole concept of forgiveness has a strong numbing effect on forgivers and forgiven ones, because it completely kills attempts to comprehend – why exactly this action was unacceptable or undesirable (it is important that it happens on both sides) and gives a blank check for almost any, often aggressive, wrecking and very unpleasant actions.
If the husband yelled at his wife for the unprepared dinner, she was offended, he asked for forgiveness and she “forgave” him – where is the reflection on why this behavior of the husband is unacceptable? Where are the conversations on what the perceptions of the husband should be in order to shout for it? Where is the discussion of what dogmas and blind certainties are behind this oor? Where is the subsequent formed and expressed position of the wife? Where is the further agreement on what exactly the husband will do with his dogmas and aggression? Where is the reassessment by the wife of his plans for the future, depending on the results of the conversation with her husband? None of this is in the least. There are outbursts of guilt following the outburst of aggression (at best), offenses – just new NEs enter the arena, and in full accordance with the accompanying rituals the situation develops further. For example, the feeling of guilt is lost by asking for forgiveness or a gift “to make amends”, an insult changes to sentimentality from asking to forgive and a feeling of self-importance arises from the fact that “such a hot-tempered man bent under me and asked for forgiveness.”
There is such a game of mutual self-deception, in the process of which the opportunity to consider the situation, weigh, make a decision is completely cost. All mental movements that could accompany the analysis of the situation and the decision not to repeat it remain outside the brackets. There is no dynamics of personal relationships and personal development. Aggression even begins to be elevated to the rank of virtue if it is followed by the much-desired and socially approved spasms of requests for forgiveness and this “forgiveness” itself, followed by sentimentality, apparent reconciliation, apparent strengthening of family ties and a whole bunch of other heterogeneous mythic entities .
A request for forgiveness here can be understood as a direct request, and an unusually protruding positive attitude, clearly following an outburst of aggression (or any other unpleasant action), or buying a conciliatory gift.
I often notice that people who behave most aggressively, contemptuously, or arrogantly make an indelible impression with their rare request for forgiveness. This is perceived by such a deflection, a miraculous and fragrant change, a miracle that happened before our eyes. Those who have just been crap start to admire and say that this is a “huge step”. At the same time, the same thing will be repeated in a circle again and again, forming a jaded “obscuration – forgiveness” cycle, and for many years at the obsiraee, despite the vague discomfort from all these situations, anyway, admiration for asking for forgiveness will eclipse any doubts .
When the aggressor asks for forgiveness, he himself is confident that this is a huge step, and that everyone should appreciate this request for forgiveness. If you don’t show everyone that you admire his request for forgiveness, if you don’t accept him, express joy and relief, but instead try to ask this person what actually changed in his perceptions, value system , the system of relations, etc., he dumped a bunch of fresh-born aggression, discontent in the company of insult. Briefly, his condition can be expressed by the words “I apologized, what else do you need ???”. And already the offender begins to be offended, and often the insult from the aggressor of the offender is equal to the offense of the offender because of unaccepted forgiveness.
When someone asks for forgiveness from me, I sometimes automatically draw something else besides this stupid ritual, something more human and human, but upon closer inspection, nothing like this happens there. If I met a man and ran over something, and he apologized, it would mean for me a certain degree of desire to agree with me in order to get what I wanted from me. If this is a significant person for me, then a request to forgive is likely to strain me. If I’m being asked for forgiveness, I
1) I must pretend that the situation is no longer meaningful to me,
2) must suppress all NEs about this situation,
3) I understand that if I start to understand this situation with this person, then I will fall for aggression,
4) I understand that if I do not give him forgiveness, and let me understand that the situation is unpleasant for me, then I will run into hostility, which others will consider to be justified.
On the other hand, the concept of “forgiveness” gives complete freedom to those who want to live in self-pity, allowing them to wipe their feet about themselves, while looking elevated rather than pathetic. Here the well-known “ability to forgive” comes into force, which, again, has nothing in common with the desire to understand the situation, make a decision, express a relationship, create an agreement, and so on.
Sometimes it is surprisingly interesting to observe how the phantoms, the least close to developing actions, to the evolution and enrichment of psychic life, rise to the highest pedestal, where they freeze forever, as if screwed, trampling all living things with their grandeur. In the pleiad of third-rate gods, the habit of suppressing their NEs from someone’s unpleasant act by virtue of false concepts of forgiveness, and sometimes even by the victim’s feelings of guilt, and supplant the clarity that something was done to you unpleasant. If you do not want to do this, then you become a person who “cannot forgive” or, even worse, does not want to “forgive”, which is fully condemned and subjected to moralistic ostracism.
Some difficulties with the concept of forgiveness are that:
1) Indeed, many people, being angry with what they have done with them, take the position of an offended victim, and from this position is objectively destructive. Here arises the imaginary coincidence of what really leads to freedom from NE, with the morally approved. This similarity can be likened to the coincidence of the peach and horse apple shadows. Both that and the other cast a similar shadow, the one and the other are even called in the same tasty way, and their nature is opposite.
Instead of trying to follow “forget and live”, “let go” or other high-wise advice, you need to conduct a series of consistent actions with your perceptions that will lead to real freedom from the destructive influence of an unpleasant situation and associated negative emotions and inappropriate reaction habits. You can understand the situation: eliminate the emerging NEs, try to discuss the situation with the offender, at the same time figuring out what this person is, digging into your conceptual menagerie and finding out what you want to get rid of using common sense and analyzing life experience.
2) “Forgiveness” is contrasted, besides malice, also the desire for revenge, as if there is simply no alternative. And they say to you “it is better to forgive than revenge.” Which means “it is better to suppress emerging NEs and to pretend that everything is normal than to maintain these NEs for a long time and to throw out aggression in response.”
Yes, purely therapeutically, as a method of symptomatic treatment of one’s psyche, it can, indeed, be better if it is a short-term period. But in the long run, such compromise with situations when your feet are wiped about you, and such self-repudiation by the belief that “the situation has been resolved” only leads to the rooting of other destructive states, and discussing what’s better here is the same as discussing what sort of shit tastier.
The other is more delicious: to sort out the situation, eliminate the NE, dig up false concepts, counterpose them to common sense, and thus exhaust the situation and move on.
In general, I do not want to fall into this trap of opposition, when my serious face is opposed to someone’s tightly smiling and they say that mine looks dissatisfied and this is not good. Or when my unwillingness to pretend that the situation is exhausted, oppose someone’s desire to dull myself and allow me to foul further, and they say that I am a vindictive bitch. Or when my desire to express desires in sex is called mechanical and they say that a truly sensual and passionate person will understand how to have sex. People who build these black-and-white conceptual constructions do not have what I have – the desire to think, the desire to distinguish, to understand, to form an opinion, to experience pleasure, to do everything that makes me mentally alive.
Choking in the frenzy of forgiveness, people repeatedly attack the throat of their human dignity and self-esteem in order to serve the cult of the golden calf and the gossip-smelling golden calf of the family and the falsely understood breadth of the soul. same foot throat exceeds the critical level, an explosion is heard, and the phosphorescent forgiveness scraps scatter in corners, stinging and serving as a reminder of the true essence of a rotten bo a.
In the society of the future this dust will be dissected, studied and archived in the hall of mental tumors of the past.
A few quotes on the topic of the post:
“The weak cannot forgive. The ability to forgive is a property of the strong. ”M. Gandhi
“As long as people love, they forgive.” La Rochefoucauld
“The most perfect person I will call someone who knows how to forgive others.” Pliny
“To understand everything is to forgive. Anna de Stael
“People suffer, and many of human beings are unhappy because they are not endowed with the ability to forget the bad and to forgive.” Granny Vanga, her mother.